INTROCUTION

Since time immemorial, scholars have long debated on the precise meaning of certain vociferal elocutions known as "words" and the correct usage there of. The ancient Romans believed words to be divine in nature or didn't and yet the ancient Romans also drank profusely from water kalurpt from lead pipes. Which is to say, of course, they were probably hallucinating and we shouldn't talk about them anymore.

But, incidentally, words and speech could not be let to their own devices for surely they would rapidly multiple and overthrow humans as the dominant progenitors of bilge-bosh in the world. Something needed to be done, and done it was. For the good people, in all their stupineity, devised a special prison for words forever to be known as the dictionary.

Of course, people (at least, the human kind) are fickle farts, and it was not long before they began to schism, and bubble, and gargle amongst themselves as to which dictionary was the right one and which was the "wrong dictionary."

This debate proceeded for eons onward. Strange, that such an argument would surround something entitled "the" dictionary but such is the flurknurplolarity of life.

Fortunately, this matter was resolved in February 2022 with the publication of The Wrong Dictionary. The Wrong Dictionary was so contrived to end the age long debate of which dictionary was in fact the wrong one. For such, after all, was unquestionably the The Wrong Dictionary, the one, the only, the expressly titled.

However, in March 2023, The Wrong Dictionary was unfortunately lost to time. That is to say the author, myself, was wholly too cheap to pay web admins to obtain the only backup after the original site containing The Wrong Dictionary was taken down, itself, for nonpayment.

Thus, the following is contrived from fractured memory. And thereby doing so fixes The Wrong Dictionary's true flaw. For the prior iteration was incorrectly called The Wrong Dictionary for it was, as a matter of fact, the right The Wrong Dictionary. But for any wrong dictionary to truly be "the" wrong dictionary it cannot be the right but only wrong or otherwise it would be correct and therefore not wrong at all.

Naturally.

And so the author gives you the one, the only, the true The Wrong Dictionary, being the incorrect one and therefore the correctly wrong one. And apologizes for any previous confusion caused by The Wrong Dictionary, which, of course, was incorrect for being wrongly correct instead of being correctly wrong.

And, so, the author gives the reader his fullest assurance that one shall find this dictionary positively and irrepressibly wrong— except when it's not.


Convoluciously yours,
The Author.

* * *
ACCOUNT (n.) Exactly one Dracula.

AIR (n.) The eventual product of dinosaur farts millions of years in the making.

AMBULANCE (n.) A really expensive taxi reserved for those with the privilege of having been seriously injured.

ANARCOFABULISM (adj.) A hot mess that kind of works.

AREA (n.) The amount of space taken up at any given time by yo mama.

BACK (n.) Something which is prone to being stabbed if one is a Becky.

BECKY (n.) A name the very ownership of which invites mockery and cheap laughs.

BILGE-BOSH (n.) Precisely what it sounds like.

BLARG (n.) The inaudible scream of pain a word makes when it is stupidly misused.

BOOK (n.) A thing librarians and weirdos sniff.

BRAINRUPTCY (n.) The state of having gone mind-broke for far too long. SEE Mind-Broke.

BURICIOUS (adj.) Use to describe something when you cannot remember if you made it up or someone else did.

BUSINESS (n.) A thing which is not any of yours.

CAR (n.) A means use to see how far one can travel while still avoiding exercise.

CASE (n.) A holding cell for personal belongings.

CHILD (n.) A human but the beta version.

CITY (n.) An apparatus contrived for blocking the pesky view of that thing called nature.

COMMUNITY (n.) A assembly of sorts contrived to gang up on nonmembers.

COINS (n.) Small, circular disks glued to a car's center console by means of an unknown residue.

COMPANY (n.) A board game played in real life wherein players attempt to win by cheating each other.

CONVOLUCIOUSLY (adj.) Of or relating to the ancient Sumerian deity Convolucious.

COUNTRY (n.) Arbitrary lines drawn on a map.

COUNTRYFOLK (n.) A term most electronic spellcheckers still don't realize is actually one single word.

CURBIOUSLY (adj.) Word reserved for when the curious is not curious sounding enough.

DAY (n.) The period in which hangovers are had.

DICTIONARY (n.) A prison for words.

DISSECTIONARY (n.) A scrapbook for the criminally insane.

EDUCATION (n.) Alphabet soup poured into the eardrums.

ENTITLED (adj.) Use to describe a worrier of non-problems such as why they cannot choose their neighbor or why they are not the boss of others outside of work (apt to say "X" is "ruining this country").

EYE (n.) A gelatinous glob contrived for the filling of sockets.

FACT (n.) An absolute condition no one can ever seem to agree on.

FAMILY (n.) A unit of humanhood held together not by glue, staples, nails, etc. but rather by kinship. But, to be honest, either of the former would work a zillion times better.

FATHER (n.) A repository for bad puns.

FIND (v.) Seek and ye shall.

FLATULIST (n.) One who farts as a profession; no, like seriously this one isn't made up.

FLAVORITISM (n.) A preference for certain flavors over others while being rather dickish and making a "whole thing" about it all.

FLUFFERNUTTER (n.) A word someone else made up.

FLURKNURPLOLARITY (n.) The act of life slowly but steadily twisting your nipples.

FORK A FLAMINGO (idm.) Exactly what it doesn't sound like.

FRIEND (n.) A term of endearment for a co-conspirator.

GAME (n.) A mode of recreation which ultimately results in profanity and enraged quitting.

GERMANIUM DIODE (n.) A probing device used by extraterrestrial visitors who frequent Oktoberfest festivals and possess a strong inkling for beer, bratwursts and large pretzels.

GOLD (n.) A yellowish substance large deposits of which may be mined from human nostrils.

GOVERNMENT (n.) A thing which promises to do what it cannot so as not to run out of things to promise in any subsequent election.

GRANNYDOESYOURDOG
BITENOCHILDNO (xyz.) An ancient riddle.

GROUP (n.) Any collection of crawdads or non-crawdads.

HAND (n.) An oblong, pancake-shaped protrusion vaguely resembling an octopus with three tentacles bitten off.

HAVE (v.) To possess something until it is claimed by children, a significant other or the government.

HEAD (n.) A talking orb that blinks.

HOME (n.) A thing which beckons you back if you leave it but torments you if you stay.

HUMANHOOD (n.) The condition of waking up and not finding yourself to be a dog.

ICYVUOJP,'M9UHTY RS! (xyz.) What one might read after waking up with the impression of a keyboard on their face.

IDEA (n.) A thing which is methodically contrived but swiftly abandoned. SEE ALSO your dreams.

INTROCUTION (v.) To blow a perfectly good conclusion by contradicting its preface.

JAMIFICATION (n.) The fication of being jammed.

JOB (n.) A futile attempt at earning a living.

JOBS, plural (n.) What you have to do to survive.

KABONKULOUS (n.) Of or relating to the character of your mother. Not his mother, not her mother, not their mother, your mother.

KALURPT (v.) To swallow something while engulfing half your face in the process as frequently observed at diners and fast food restaurants.

LAW (n.) A rule that makes itself known once it has been broken.

LIFE (n.) The best alternative we have so far to dying.

LOT (n.) A little but in considerable portions.

MILLENNIAL (n.) What members of Generation Y call themselves when they do not realize it was not intended as a compliment.

MAN (n.) Roughly a fifty percent shareholder in humankind.

MEMBER (n.) To remember not to forget while also forgetting the first two letters of the word "remember."

MIND-BROKE (n.) What happens after you spend all your thought-dollars on backbitting, gossip, and conspiracy theories. SEE Thought-Dollars

MINUTE (n.) A unit of measurement for the wasting away of hours.

MISCRELOUS (adj.) Relating to the character of any cousin you no longer speak to.

MONEY (n.) Small pieces of paper with faces on them designed for the purposes of doodling mustaches, eye-patches, stitches, etc.

MONEY, A LOT OF (n.) Sixty-five cents for a thing of ramen noodles.

MONTH (n.) A poor attempt at spelling “moth.”

MOTHER (n.) Progenitors of the ungrateful.

NFT (abbr.) Non-Tofu Turkey or Gnome Phishing Attack.

NIGHT (n.) The earliest stage in the life cycle of a hangover.

NO-'COUNT (n.) Exactly no Draculas.

NUMBER (n.) A not letter.

PARENTHOOD (n.) A form of indentured servitude to diminutive imps who grow to be full-sized ogres.

PARTY (n.) A gathering of the local color who convene upon the condition of pretending to be cool.

PHLEBOTOMY (n.) A portmanteau of "phlem," "bot," "toe," and "me."

PEOPLE (n) A plague to locusts, gnats, sicken livestock, etc.

PICKLED SCUPPERNONGS (n.) Something I realized was a thing after watching too much daytime television.

PLACE (n.) Wherever you park your butt.

POINT (n.) Any somewhere which may properly be distinguished from nowhere unless you live in the middle of nowhere then apologies.

POWER (n.) A thing sought out in an effort to control others but once obtained takes control of the wielder.

PROBLEM (n.) Cayenne-pepper-flavored dental floss.

PROGRAM (n.) The opposite of an anti-gram.

QUESTION (n.) A thing which dies at the onset of an answer.

RAZORMAMA (n.) A thing which I just made up.

RIGHT (n.) Very, such as in the phrase, "It's right hard reading through this dictionary with a straight face."

ROOM (n.) Four walls and a roof closing in.

RUN (v.) To enact the body’s natural defense mechanism to big hungry dogs.

RUNCIBLE (adj.) ASK Mr. Lear.

RURACULOUS (adj.) Relating to a state of such extreme rurality even countryfolk are like, "You need to take it down a couple notches."

SCHING (super-n.) Your ultimate thing.

SCHOOL (n.) Where alphabet soup is made.

SODADOCTOR (v.) To kill the nerves endings in your teeth with a carbonate beverage rather than going to see the dentist.

STATE (n.) A word between story and sodadoctor.

STORY (n.) What you tell the Mrs.

STUDENT (n.) One who seeks to unlock the secrets of the universe yet cannot remember to turn anything in on time.

STUDY (v.) To perpetually slam your head against a desk.

STUPINEITY (v.) The irrepressible urge "to stupid."

SURBIOUSLY? (intj.) The art of saying, "Seriously?" when you are not taking anything seriously at all.

SUS (adj.) 1.) Suspect, arousing of suspicion.


SWADDLE A GOPHER (idm.) To abruptly clinch your underwear in your cheeks while racing to the toilet.

SYSTEM (n.) A reminder written on the arm or forehead.

TAKE (v.) What the government does.

TEACHER (n.) One who expounds upon the virtues of listen to them talk.

THING (n.) Fill in the __________

THINK (v). About what you're trying to do to me.

THOUGHT-DOLLARS (n.) A unit of currency in indulging in bilge-bosh until one becomes mind-broke. SEE Mind-Broke.

TIME (n.) That merciless mother of all things.

TELEVISION (n.) A suburban babysitter.

WAR (n.) Battles fought for the sake of ego at the expense of people. Good for? Absolutely nothing.

WATER (n.) A thing you drink and microbes pee in.

WAY (n.) As in no. ASK Jose.

EGAIRET (adj.) Of or relating to something placed in the wrong order.

WEEK (n.) An arduous journey from Monday to Friday.

WHATCHAMAJIGGY (super n.) Someone whom you remember owes you six bucks but still cannot recall their name.

WHO (n.) Is on first.

WOMAN (n) A slight improvement over the alternate model of human.

WORD (n.) A thing which is occasionally up.

WORK (n.) The expulsion of energy for the production of stress.

WORSE (n.) The state between "not good" and "ain't getting any better."

WORLD (n.) A small spinning dot in space.

YEAR (n.) Celebrated annually and measured in gray hairs.

ZALICIOUS (adj.) Of or relating to the quality of being zalicious. Exp.: "Zalacious is such a highly zalacious word."